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Nearly True News Stories Today Apple Computer officially became the last corporation in the world to be uncooperative with the press, after a small midwestern plumbing supplies company held their first press conference to announce new toilet bowl fittings. Apple sports a record 52,650 Google hits of "declined to comment" or "could not be reached for comment," surpassing even the Central Intelligence Agency. Apple just hired former H-P exec Allison Johnson as director of worldwide corporate communications, but she will reportedly focus on advertising projects and not public relations. When contacted for a reaction to their new status, an Apple spokeswoman... Apple created the mini-stores after seeing how cute and popular the Mini Cooper automobile became. Now Apple's retail planning staff was disappointed with the turn-out for the Regent Street (London) store grand opening, after seeing literally thousands of persons line up for grand openings at the three Japan store openings. Consequently, Apple plans to fly in up to 2,500 Japanese residents for the Birmingham store opening, and bus them to the Bullring shopping center one day before the store opens. Apple is hoping to reduce the cost of the project by not providing any food for the crowd, and requiring them to camp out overnight. On the other hand, Apple will reportedly re-institute the Lucky Bag program for the grand opening, but only for the first 250 persons in line. The Lucky Bag will contain the usual collection of products, but the bag will be brown paper this time, instead of black vinyl. Apple tracks store revenues every four minutes, and store visitors every 15 minutes. Within the next month, Apple will begin tracking the number of times that visitors sneeze and yawn inside the stores, hoping to correlate those actions with other statistics to improve sales. According to Apple's early research, a yawn indicates no-sale, while a sneeze indicates a "heightened interest" in the product the store visitor is examining. Apple is still researching what a yawn and a sneeze means when they occur together. When the Apple stores first opened, purchase receipts were laser printed onto fine watermarked stationery. Lately, the stores have switched to receipts printed onto narrow thermal paper. Within the next year, Apple will dispense with the thermal print-outs, and instead ask each paying customer to write down the purchase information on the back of their hand. Apple will reportedly have indelible pens available for this task, attached to the counter with a sturdy chain. After complaints by store employees, Apple will begin offering a larger selection of clothing for employees to wear. The first change will be for those working the evening shift: they'll be permitted to wear black flannel pajamas, both to provide more staff comfort, and also to create a more cozy atmosphere for night-time store visitors. Apple reportedly considered additional colors beyond black, including dark gray, and a black/dark-brown shade, but nixed the idea when complaints arose over such "loud" colors. Apple has considered several methods of speeding up its retail store roll-out, but can't seem to get beyond the usual methods of delivering construction materials via b-i-g truck. The latest proposal, which didn't work out, was to have the stores pre-assembled in a factory outside Seattle, and then Fed-Ex'd intact to the new store location. While Fed-Ex apparently has trucks large enough to deliver entire stores, employees were reluctant to perform their training in Seattle during the winter, and then accompany the store to its destination in the Fall. Apple is investigating a strange case at one store: city health inspectors closed down the store after finding a person camped in the store for over six months. Store staffers told city officials that the person came in some time in September, but following their strict sales training, they didn't approach or speak to the man. The man was discovered only after his campfire set off a sprinkler inside the store, and fire officials found him underneath a display shelf. One employee said, "We thought he was just having trouble making up his mind between the 17-inch or 20-inch iMac." Apple is revising the job of Keyholder: the position will now be known as Keymaster of Gozer, and Apple will add another store job position--The Gatekeeper. Tired of being asked questions about "cannabalization" of sales at investment briefings, CFO Peter Oppenheimer has reportedly become a vegetarian. |
Apple reportedly has now focused on the popularity of the Vespa scooter, and will open a series of micro-stores around the country to bring Apple products to even more potential customers. To eliminate problems with floors, walls and ceilings, the entire store will be constructed of 1/2-inch thick, bead-blasted stainless steel imported from Japan, costing $1.4 million per store. The stores will have only a single 20-inch iMac on display in the 5'x5' showroom, but will stock thousands of Apple products in the 300'x100' rear storeroom.